Stupid Things You Get In The Mail Department

Editor’s Note: Yesterday, my wife received a stupid chain letter; a variation of the same stupid chain letter that’s been floating around for years, promising wealth untold if you send twenty copies of the stupid chain letter to your friends within three days. You have to be in some way stupid to fall for stupid things like that.

So I dug out something I wrote in response to the last stupid chain letter I received, dusted it off a bit, and I offer it here for your edification:

THIS LETTER HAS BEEN SENT TO YOU FOR GOOD LUCK. MINE. The original has been sent to recycling. It has now been around the office once or twice. The luck has now been sent to you. You will receive luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided you do something. Or don’t do something. It doesn’t matter.

This is no joke. You will receive good luck via carrier pigeon. Send no cash (money orders, cashier’s checks and traveler’s checks acceptable), send copies to people you think are as gullible as you are. Send money as fate has no price, but I do. Do not keep this letter; it must leave your hands within 96 hours or before Haley's Comet returns, whichever comes later.

Michael Jackson didn’t get this letter and he’s dead.

John McCain might be president today if he had followed this letter’s instructions. Then again, maybe not.

While vacationing in Chula Vista, CA, John Smurfett didn’t win the California lottery six days after he received this letter. He had failed to circulate this letter. However, before not winning the lottery, he was not struck by any falling satellite debris.

Please send twenty copies (handwritten in crayon on white butcher paper) and see what happens in four days. The chain comes from Terra del Fuego and was dictated by Elvis to the seventh son of a seventh son who wrote it in Magic Marker on the margins of the Book of Kells on Friday the 13th under a full moon. Since the copy must tour the world but can’t afford the airfare, you must make twenty copies and send them to soon-to-be-former friends and total strangers. After a few days, you will get a surprise, but since you’ll be expecting it, it won’t be a surprise anymore, will it? This is true even if you don’t believe that everything published in the Weekly World News has to be true or they wouldn’t print it, would they? (Batboy Lives!)

Do note the following:

• Renfrew Zetts received the chain in 1990. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send the letters out. A few days later, the Twins won the World Series.
• Guido Zamboni, a disgruntled postal worker, received this letter and forgot it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. He lost his job (and later his life in a gun battle with a SWAT team). Later, after his widow found the letter and mailed 20 copies, she was paid $2,000,000 for the television rights to her husband’s story.
• Lola Vavoom sent twenty copies with insufficient postage, so they never reached the right addresses. She was investigated by the U.S. Post Office for perpetuating a chain letter scheme.
• A barking dog never bites until it quits barking. Then, watch out, ‘cuz those teeth are HUGE!
• Half of the population is of below-average intelligence. Guess which half you’re in?

Remember, do not send cash (money orders, cashier’s checks and traveler’s checks acceptable). Do not ignore this. If you circulate this letter, something will happen to you, unless you die first. And that’s something, isn’t it?

Who loves ya, baby?

Comments

[Lars Walker]

So that's how the Twins won the series. I'd been wondering.